One-car family

Karen was driving me to school this morning when she said, “I can’t pick you up this afternoon at 4; Oprah comes on at 4.”

She had a point. If I had to choose between watching Oprah and going to pick somebody up from work, I know which it would be, every time, even if I did love the person at work and slept with her every night. And I don’t even like watching Oprah near as much as she does.

“You make a good point,” I said, “but I am afraid I must insist.”

Karen was driving me to school because going into 10 months now, we have had only one car. The lease on my old ride expired last February and we figured no second-car expenses – lease, gas, insurance, maintenance – would add up to at least a grand a month, which was pretty good, and that was BEFORE the economy collapsed and we started considering keeping our cash in pillowcases. If in these difficult times you are looking for a bang-for-the-buck to cut expenses, getting rid of the second car is a pretty good way to go, even if it is the guy giving up the car and he has to deal with the emasculated crater where his manhood used to be.

“But hey,” I said to her, having an idea, “I bet Oprah would give us a car. You email her and say you love to watch her so much, but you have to go pick up your husband at work. And he says he insists. And then Oprah would invite us on the show and say, here is your brand-new Mercedes ML350. And free gas for a year.”

Actually I think I would hold out for a Toyota RAV4, with leather and bells and whistles but still a small engine that burns regular. I had an ML350 and it was a great ride with a German turning radius, but I burned out on $50 tabs for a tank of premium and in fact one day LONG before gas went over $4 vowed that when I got rid of this vehicle, I was going to get a Prius.

But then I went down to the Toyota lot and sat in a Prius. Cute car. Then the helpful salesperson reached over and pushed a button. Gauges and instruments and dash lights popped to life. “What did you do?” I said to the salesperson. “Turned it on,” she said. “It’s running.” “The engine isn’t running,” I suggested. “Yes it is,” she said. “Right now, it’s electric. Step on the accelerator and you’ll go.”

That was it for me and the Prius. I am too steeped in GTO geezerhood, and I think it probably has something to do with manhood as well, to feel comfortable in a car whose engine may or may not be running when you are seeing if she will get rubber in third gear. So I shifted my vision to a RAV4. I would consider a Pontiac. I have seen Oprah give away Pontiacs.

But it grows on you, this business of being up a grand a month and buying stuff other than gas and insurance. Our schedules have been more or less compatible, with a little coordination, and it was just a quirk in my schedule today that made me available to go home at 4. I imagine we will keep the arrangement this way for awhile, possibly even if Oprah insists.