God's defamation suit against Richard Mourdock

Dean Calbreath, my colleague in journalism and the teaching of journalism, commented on Facebook a few minutes ago, "If I were God, I'd sue for defamation."

In journalism, we are schooled in the nuts and bolts of defamation. "Defamation" means "to publish anything false about a person, which damages that person's reputation, or ability to make a living." In some states, damage includes "mental anguish."

So here are a woman, pregnant by rape, and God, sitting in a bar, side-by-side, reading Richard Mourdock's remark – "And even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen" – and being equally outraged.

God puts a hand on the woman's shoulder. "I am so sorry you had to see that," he says. "If you will excuse me, I have business to attend to."

God files a defamation suit against Richard Mourdock. In the courtroom, God takes his seat at the Plaintiff's table as a maturely attractive conservatively dressed woman in her forties. Her name is Meryl. "Your Honor," says Elmo, Richard Mourdock's attorney, "how can we be sure that this is God?"

"Try me," says Meryl, in a throaty tenor that sways the chandeliers a bit.

"Your Honor," says Meryl's attorney Robert, in his 50s, handsome in a nondescript way, "what Richard Mourdock said in published comments about my client is not only holier-than-thou in that it puts a human's words in God's mouth, it is also false, it damages her reputation, and it has caused God considerable mental anguish." As he speaks, the rafters shiver.

"My God," says Elmo, staring. "You can't be God, too."

"How lightly you regard me," Robert says with a tight smile, "for one who created the Universe."

"Your Honor, the defense rests," says Elmo.

Robert stands. "Your Honor," he says, "the defense can't rest, without presenting a case. Therefore I move for a mistrial, and an appeal directly to the Supreme Court. This suit, in this nation, deserves maximum publicity. And, I have always wanted to appear before the Supreme Court."